Back in The Green Velvet Chair & Rudy Gay to Toronto is a Bad Thing?

As I sit back once again in my green velvet chair (yes it actually exists) watching the Lakers vs Hornets, I’m going to try once again to funnel my horribly structured thoughts into some sort of  coherent mess.

To start things off,  I have to say that every time I watch the Lakers play I cant help but imagine D’Antoni in the locker room  after practice wearing short shorts hitting a bickering Kobe and Dwight with the “Everybody Love Everybody” speech from Semi Pro ( ). Honestly the way I imagine the Lakers locker room is a lot like Semi Pro.

D’Antoni as Jackie Moon: In over his head yelling obscenities to players and simply trying to make sure no one kills each other and the  fans go home happy.

Kobe Bryant as Coffee Black: I mean showing up to games and practices in a helicopter to save his knees as opposed to his moms fast food truck is just splitting hairs. As long as you look good doing it Bean, just keep looking good and getting those numbers.

Steve Nash as Ed Monix: He got traded for a laundry machine and at this point is just looking for one last shot at glory while trying to teach this hopeless group of misfits how to play basketball. I have visions of Nash as Monix and Kobe as  Coffee Black and Steve trying valiantly to teach Kobe how to pass.

Robert Sacre or Metta as Vykidis: …. look I know no one cares about big Rob but he SCREAMS Vykidis. Can’t you just see Mike  D yelling instructions to him ” Damnit Sacre, you can’t understand a word i’m saying can you?”. The only problem here is that this spot also conflicts with  that i know for a fact Metta World Peace can understand D’Antoni and just chooses not to listen… Metta is messing up my system because this movie lacked a total maniac.

Pau Gasol as Twiggy: Dont question it, hes Twiggy okay? Everyone beats on him, hes had his collarbone broken twice and no one takes him seriously. He’s also somewhat adorable and in the heat of the moment sometimes his eyeliner runs into his eyes.

Funny enough the last three games of this win streak have been spurred on by Kobe learning the secret of ” The Alley Oop” Its a mythical play that Kobe hadnt seen since those days with Shaq in his youth in which you stop being a selfish clown , throw the ball somewhere near the rim and let the most dominant and athletic center in the league slam it down people’s throats. I mean seriously I cant be the only one thinking this, its about FU**ING time! The uncoordinated kid in gym classes figured out that pass the ball to the tallest kid where no one else can get it and he just drops it in the net. I How come  it takes a team meeting,  a whole bunch of phony hugging and hand holding for  the league’s greatest franchise of the decade to figure it out? And if I see these grown men and NBA veterans start hugging  each other after making the play that was staring them in the face and ONE win against a great team i’m going to puke. I know its LA but STOP PLAYING FOR THE CAMERAS AND PLAY PROPERLY!

…. but what do i care? I cant stand the Lakers

I also want to take a look at  the rumors of the reported Raptors deal for Rudy Gay. I caught wind this morning via this tweet by Legion Sports

Raptors fans, I know this is exciting and I know my friend Michael Gray has already written an extensive post on this topic earlier today but I’m going to take a look at this from the other side. Why are we so excited about this deal? Are we that deprived of star power? Do we truly believe that the acquisition of Rudy Gay and Darrel Arthur to this current group we have propels us into the upper half of the east?  Really you do? ARE YOU STONED?!

I’m not denying Rudy Gay’s ability as a basketball player. He’s not a superstar, but he is  a borderline all star player when surrounded by the correct talent.  At the same time this status doesnt make him our missing piece, especially when his albatross of a contract would leave us owing him roughly 53.5 million over the next 3 years.  Especially without finding a resting place for Bargnani’s overblown salary, DeRozan Bargs and Gay would leave us paying  91 million dollars over the next 3 years to two players that wont see the court on All Star weekend short of the Dunk Contest.

My other issue with a future with DeRozan and Rudy Gay on the wings is their conflicting skill sets, and by conflicting I mean that they’re almost identical. DeRozan is a worse three-point shooter but not by much, Rudy Gays inflated 3pt numbers are actually due to his attempts almost double Demar’s. The past two season’s DeRozan  has shot around 25 percent which means Gay’s 31 percent on double the attempts doesn’t edge him out by much. Regardless both DeRozan and Gay are below par wing defenders. Rudy Gay hasn’t been a lock down defender at the 3 spot in three seasons and despite the injuries that can be mainly attributed to effort. When hes focused and feels pressure to he is more than capable of locking down his man but those times have become few and far between which has prompted Lionel Hollins to toss Tony Allen on positions  from PG-SF for anyone playing Memphis.

The last similarity which doesn’t bode well for Toronto is both of these boys’ inability or unwillingness to pass the ball. Rudy Gay’s 2.5 APG is only made slightly less depressing by Demar’s 2.2. So sticking Kyle Lowry in the middle of the court with two black holes on either side of him, Aaron grey hitting people in the paint over the head with his club and Darrel Arthur being goddamn glorious ( I’m a big Darrel Arthur fan but that’s for another day) doesn’t seem like a recipe for a postseason run. Unless of court Jonas Valanciunas grows a beard and thus turns into Marc Gasol overnight and beats DeMar violently until he turns as angry and disciplined as Kobe Bryant.

Regardless the best case scenario is that this deal puts us into a treadmill 6-8 seed like those deer out in Milwaukee  not good enough to really put the fear of god into anyone, but not bad enough to get a draft pick. Unfortunately this still seems like an upgrade over our constant toiling in the basement of the Eastern Conference.

My true issue with all of this is Bryan Colangelo’s insistence on high salary “quick fixes”. As opposed to making properly priced buys he tries to slam a home run , misses and falls pathetically into the dirt… then gets up and blames the catcher.

It started with trading TJ Ford for Jermaine O’Neal and his 19 million dollar contract

He then moved O’Neal for Shawn Marion, who was labelled as our next savior, he was owed 13 million

After these plans didn’t work out who was the next Toronto savior? Hidayet Turkoglu 5 years 53 million dollars

Now as my Colleague Michael Gray has previously stated, it is not fair to compare Rudy Gay to Hedo as players and he is entirely correct. But signing Hedo and his gargantuan contract not only was over blowing his abilities it handcuffed the teams finances and left us unable to make any moves or progress until his unholy 5 year 53 million dollar contract. Rudy’s 3 year 53.5 million is pretty similar and  he’s going to be our saving grace turn into Carmelo Anthony as soon as he steps off the plane into the cold snowy air of Pearson Airport and hits the Brass Rail ( I hear it’s where all the big ballers play) He MIGHT not be our best solution here.

Hey but I’m just a ticked off guy sitting in a chair whose seen this whole sad story unfold many times before



sorry… Everybody Love Everybody


About the Author, Alex Simons: 

Basketball superfan and a bitterly jaded, sarcastic and bitter commentator.  Law undergraduate student and hoping to go wherever this game can take me.  You can follow me on twitter at @alexsimons and with my other endeavor @raptorsproblems


One response to “Back in The Green Velvet Chair & Rudy Gay to Toronto is a Bad Thing?

  1. this is awesome, want to hear your piece on golden state with curry not making all star and Andrew Boguts return and (possible) impact, also how about something on NFL? you hear the circus show in New york may continue next year with the possibility of Jamarcus Russell being competition for Sanchez, some hefty competition coming in (and by saying that i relate to the 305 pounds of gut)

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