The Pick-Up Misfits

Senior BBall Team - Parker

Through time spent playing pick-up I have noticed a distinct trend in the types of players. These are the five that made the All Pick-Up Misfit team. There were some close cuts but they will have to settle for second team honours.

1. The Fundamental Old Timer: It is truly a blessing to run the floor with this unique breed. He will NEVER turn the ball over, ALWAYS box out, and will be the first to give you a pat on the back. Don’t be fooled by the rounded belly and transformer like knee braces, he is surprisingly quick! NBA comp: Steve Nash (with a gut) 

2. No Conscious Chris: Avoid Chris at all costs!!! I seriously can’t stress this enough. However, if you do find yourself on the same team as Chris your in for a rough ride. You can expect maybe one or two touches on offence and a whole lot of hero ball courtesy of Chris. On occasion I’ve even spotted him playing 5 on 5 with his head phones in jacking shots to Drakes’ Motto. He only lives once so he’s taking his shots and then some. NBA comp: J.R Smith on cocaine.  

3. Garbageman Greg: This is the guy you want on your team! Standing at 6-3 220 he is a beast in the paint. You can count on him to crash the boards, play lockdown D, and set crushing screens. Pick up basketball is a time where everyone gets to launch 3’s and jog back on defence. Not Greg. He grunts and groans his way to a stat line of: 6 points (3-3), 15 rebounds and 4 assists. NBA comp: Reggie Evans. 

4. Swagged Out Steve: Oh Steve…he’s a character.Headband, shooting sleeve, All Star edition LBJ jersey, matching shorts, and of course neon Hyperdunks. He’s got em all. Steve is convinced he is the best 3 point shooter of all time roaming the 3 point line waiting for the kick out. He’ll knock down the occasional trey and when he does, watch out. A celebration is coming like you’ve never seen before. If it were a math equation it would look something like this: Robert Sacre (Joakim Noah X J.R Smith X Jason Terry) = Steve. There is more head nodding, finger wagging, and chest pounding than you can imagine. And yeah, the pistols are definitely coming out. NBA look alike: There is no one player in the NBA as ridiculous as Steve so we will have to turn to another math equation. Ben Wallace (2005 Pistons avec red goggles) + Allen Iverson (sleeve, THE ANSWER sweatband) + Kobe’s purple tights= Steve.

5. Game Seven Sam: It’s 3:30 on a Sunday and Sam has been waiting all week to lace em up. He has a pre-game ritual that looks something like this:

2:00-Pre game meal

2: 30-Meditation and positive visualization.

3:00 Dynamic Warm-up.

Safe to say Sam wants to win. Don’t even think about launching that fast break 3! In Sam’s eyes he can do no wrong. It’s always your fault so you better be ready to take the blame. I suggest sticking to these phrases: “I agree”, “Your right”, and “My fault”. You better call every screen at the top of your lungs. Also, don’t ever let your man score. If so, you’re in for a KG on Big Baby like cussing. To conclude, avoid playing with Sam but if given the chance always play against him. There is nothing more rewarding than ruining his time to shine. NBA comp: KG. 

-Mike Diplock


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