The NBA’s All Old Man All Stars

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Old Man Game:  Definition: A basketball skill set that will still be as devastatingly effective (or more so) as you age.  Or, a skill set similar to that of a 50-year-old man.

You either are blessed with old man game, or you’ll never truly understand it and are destined to slowly and painfully be destroyed by it at one time or another. We at Armchair Sports Society value this type of game and think that our team now, and 15 years from now, will send any other NBA team crying home to their mothers (who our guys may tell you they had sexual relations with).  The guys we want to play for Team A.S.S. all have the potential to still be playing in the NBA at 50 due to their games. The type of players we want on our team have a game that doesn’t care if his ankles are made of glass, or if your grandmother could beat him down the court because, say what you want, you still can’t stop him once he actually has the ball in his hands. And good luck trying to get by him because he knows every clutch, grab and shove that will keep you from going where you want to that never gets called.

Starting 5:

PG : Andre Miller – Andre Miller has used his old man game to become one of the NBA’s all-time most solid pure point guards. Always lacking an outside shot Miller has used his savvy and size to get wherever he wants and consistently make his teammates better. Never exciting but always a great guard, Miller is 10th all time in assists and he’s done it with an old man swagger that would make our next entrant on this list proud.

SG: Jason Kidd – (We know he is traditionally a PG but hes playing SG in New York and it is working. If you don’t like him at this spot I will ask you to take your opinion and deposit them in your backside)
Jason Kidd has turned from one of the league’s most dazzling run and gun point guards into one of the most savvy and all time great leaders. He’s second all time on the career assists list and is one of the games all times greatest leaders. He singlehandedly took underwhelming Nets teams to two NBA Finals and has since then turned into a solid  point guard who brings winning wherever he travels. His  presence and leadership was essential on the championship Mavericks and since acquiring him this season, at age 40, the Knicks have become one of the top teams in the Eastern Conference. His old man swag started with his transformation into a knockdown 3pt shooter and since has added his refusal to move far beyond the three-point line. Kidd also continues to show the young boys his incredible hand strength by stealing anything he can touch, averaging 1.8 this season in 20 minutes per game which puts him amongst the league’s leaders

SF: Paul Pierce – Pierce may be the greatest example of “old man game” in the league. His array of slow motion drives, head-fakes and leaning threes may appear lazy, but he lulls the defender into such a state of sleepiness that he forgets that he is supposed to be guarding him. Even his jump shots, (which he shoots without really jumping and more by slingshotting the ball towards the rim ) seems to be done at half speed with less effort.  I promise everyone that in 15 years Paul Pierce will be lighting up his local gym without altering a  single part of his game and he’ll do it with the same deadly efficiency.

PF: Zach Randolph – Zach Randolph’s beautiful old man game is centered around his glaring pudginess and ability to use his gargantuan backside to create space and box players out. He’s even practicioned his own style of offensive rebounding called “ZBOing”, in which he repeatedly and seemingly intentionally missed point-blank putbacks in a manner that directs the ball directly back into his hands so he can take another attempt and may get as many as 6 offensive rebounds in one possession in which he is the only person who has shot the ball. This technique has been used more recently by Kevin Love who has has nicely added yelling wildly to draw foul calls. Between ZBOing and  his fat guy mid range jump shot Zach Randolph will continue being deadly well into his 50’s.

C: Timmy Duncan – Seriously? You want a description? He is older than dirt and is averaging 17 and 9 this year with a bevy of bank shots, hook shots and impeccable footwork. He has found the fountain of youth and he refuses to devulge the location. God Bless you Timmy, God bless you and your sweet sweet post game.

Reserves:

Matt BonnerWhen a guy does not have remarkably quick feet and the common NBA fan can’t remember the last time they saw him do anything remotely close to being called “above the rim”, they are instantly entered for consideration to play on our team. The Red Rocket does one thing and he does it well. Every team needs a guy who comes off the bench and puts up a couple 3’s. If he knocks them down, he plays 15 minutes of the game. If he misses them, he plays 4. Matt Bonner is that guy for our team. The one thing that we have all learned from playing the old guys back home: if you can shoot, you can shoot regardless of age.

Jamal Tinsley –  He’s old, he’s incredibly hood, and he has transformed from a  gunner at the PG spot to a slow old man who is only interested in dropping dimes to his teammates and making the right play. Jerry Sloan would be proud.

Dirk Nowitzki- Dirk has such effective jumper (and I use that term loosely) that will very unlikely leave him as he ages. At 34, Dirk looks the same as he did when he was drafted. Dirk will continue to be a serviceable big as he ages. His midrange game will stay with him and who can argue with a 7 ft who can knock down mid range shots.

Jared DudleyJared Dudley is quite aware that he is not what some would call “athletically gifted”. The local favorite in Phoenix, Dudley poked fun at his own athleticism making a pledge to get 10 dunks in the 2010-2011 season. After a slow start, Dudley turned it on after the All-Star break and finally got his 10th dunk of the season with just 3 games left. The fact that Dudley is embraces his limited athleticism makes him a viable candidate to make our Old Man roster. Throw in how effective he is at making reads on off-ball screens and his ability to make open jumpers without really leaving the floor and he is on every over 40 professional team’s wishlist.

Chauncey Billups- Chauncey won’t beat you with quickness, that’s for damn sure. He is stronger and smarter then most guards in the league and has tremendous grapes. As he continues to age, think of him as a 6’3 Robert Horry and that jumper isnt going anywhere fast.

Honorable mentions:

Kurt Thomas- Unfortunately Kurt can’t make this list of players with old man game because he is already 50 and has surpassed old man game and moved into the geriatric category. I hope no one would ever think we’d forget him though.  Also, is it just me or do he and Rasheed Wallace remind you of “Statler and Waldorf” from The Muppets? 

Rasheed Wallace and Kurt Thomas

Kurt: ” Hey Rasheed, I heard Steve Nash Broke his nose”
Sheed: “How does he smell?”
Kurt:”Awful!”
*hysterical laughter”

Kevin GarnettKG gets an honorable mention as well because although he is clearly slowing down and his game does depend a substantial amount on his declining athleticism, he still brings some “nasty” to his team. As he ages, you may beat him to loose balls but make no mistake, the idea of killing you for that ball will still cross his mind. Although his game may slow down, his mouth will not and soon the junk he talks wont be about how your wife tastes like Cheerios but how your grandmother tastes like moth balls.

Jared Dudley:  Ya I know he was already on this list but since “Temperature” was the first song I ever grinded to , Sean Paul gets onto the list…. I mean Jared Dudley, I mean…. LOOK!

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AS & RD

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