A Change of Pace, 30 Reasons Emile Heskey is Better Than Lionel Messi

Hey Guys,

Today I plan on going in a different direction than my usual articles and looking at  the wonderful world of football (and by football I mean soccer). Only idiots call football soccer. Just ask Rafi from The League:

Today I will prove to you, without a shadow of a doubt that Emile Heskey is a million times the player than Lionel Messi could ever dream of…

Anyway, I stumbled upon a glorious picture many years and thousands of hours of internet time ago. It was basically a list of reasons why Britain’s glorious super-striker Emile Heskey, who currently plays for the Newcastle Jets of the Aussie League, is a far greater soccer player than Barcelona’s lady boy, Lionel Messi. It has since inspired me and entirely changed my life and views on soccer. So much so that I need to share all the reasons with you who take the time to read my thoughts.

First and foremost lets take a look at both our subjects today:

Look at this guy's suit! He looks even more glittery and silly than the Ballon D'or.

Look at this suit! It needs to be banished back to his girlfriend’s closet where he stole it from. Also, who wears bowties anymore? Who are you, Andre 3000?

Look at the manliness and beauty dripping off this man. His massive head contains more football knowledge than Messi's pinhead could ever dream.
Look at the manliness and beauty dripping off this man. His massive head contains more football knowledge than Messi’s pinhead could ever dream.

And now, the moment you’ve all be waiting for…

30 Reasons Emile Heskey is greater than Lionel Messi:

  1. Heskey has never missed a penalty. Messi has.
  2. Heskey has 62 caps for England. Messi has 0.
  3. Heskey has scored 7 goals for England.  Messi has scored 0.
  4. Heskey has scored 100+ goals in the Premier League. Messi has never scored in it.
  5. Heskey undoubtedly has a larger penis than Messi.
  6. Heskey is a beautiful chestnut black, Messi  isn’t.
  7. Heskey’s feet are size 15.  Messi’s are a tiny size 10.
  8. Heskey’s shots go out for throw- ins. Messi’s don’t.
  9. Heskey’s lady is sexier than Messi’s Lady.
  10. Heskey misses a lot because he doesn’t want to upset the goalkeeper’s feelings. Messi  just scores all the time because he’s a twat.
  11. Heskey has played in more World Cups than Messi.
  12. Emile has played for more clubs than Messi, meaning he’s more versatile and valuable
  13. Heskey has been bought for bigger transfer fees than Messi ever has.
  14. Heskey has never had a bag game in La Liga.  Messi has.
  15. Heskey quite clearly has a better haircut than Messi.
  16. Messi played crap in the Champions League Semi Final against Chelsea.  Heskey didn’t.
  17. Heskey weighs much more than Messi, making him the better man.
  18. Heskey’s head is infinitely bigger than Messi’s.
  19. Heskey can play without Xavi and Iniesta.
  20. Heskey changes clubs regularly as he wants to give everyone a chance with his brilliance. Messi just stays at Barcelona.
  21. Heskey has better strength, heading accuracy and aggression in FIFA ’12 (the only attributes that matter).
  22. Heskey has played more times in the Euros than Messi.
  23. Messi has never made a woman orgasm.  Heskey does simply by staring into their eyes.
  24. Heskey’s middle name is “William Ivanhoe”, which is far better and cooler than Messi’s middle name, “Andrés”.
  25. Heskey has had crap managers such as Alex Mecleish and Steve Bruce, whereas Messi has had Pep Guardiola.
  26. Heskey can play at Centre Back, Messi can’t.
  27. Heskey has more chest hair than Messi has goals.
  28. Heskey hits his shots into Row Z because he’s a nice guy and wants to interact with the supporters.
  29. Heskey has kids. Messi doesn’t because he can’t score off the pitch.
  30. Messi earns more than Heskey, meaning he is more greedy and therefore a prick.

*Disclaimer* None of you can argue any of the above as they are immutable facts written by the Armchair Sports Society and posted on the internet. This makes them both infallible, true and The Law

Alex

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