RATED R (18+ readers only) : Drunken NBA Offseason Rantings

With the business and bustle of this year’s NBA off-season, led of course by the Dwightmare that was Dwight Howard’s free agency, I found myself logically and healthily turning to alcohol as a means of lowering my blood pressure. Naturally, I’ve fused my NBA stress-fueled drinking into a no holds barred rant on the comings and goings of this most momentous of offseasons. Below are my scattered thought processes on all things basketball. I just opened another beer, so let’s get this thing started :

Where in holy hell is Brooklyn getting their money? Pierce, Williams, Garnett, Lopez, Joe-verpaid Johnson. Prokhorov is looking at paying $82,957,437.25 in luxury tax if they keep this roster going into next season. The Lakers were $25 million into the luxury tax this year and if that’s the case Prokhorov is bordering on having more money than the entire Time Warner syndicate, which probably means Russia might just up and buy out America, “STRAIGHT CASH”. Speaking of which, I’m pretty sure Prokhorov and Andrei Kirilenko play poker together in smokey, Vietnamese back alleys and Prokhorov definitely paid the down-payment on Kirilenko’s Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Also, if you think Kirilenko is only being paid 2 mill to play on the Nets you need to realize that in all likelihood Mikhail has bought him a small Siberian village and Pekovic to pull an ox cart. In all seriousness my only hope for Brooklyn is that Jason Kidd unleashes a motivated Deron Williams on the league like the Kraken in Clash of the Titans and Kevin Garnett mercilessly bullies Brook Lopez into a fearsome… Sideshow Bob-like character?

<TO AVOID POISONING BY POLONIUM SUSHI, THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH HAS BEEN REDACTED>

Mikhail Prokhorov bought state-owned companies worth billions of dollars for millions in mob-backed deals after the fall of the Soviet Union. He decided to use this windfall to collect mediocre basketball players.

I mean….. Mikhail Prokhorov is shrewd and honest businessman, pride of Mother Russia! He kiss babies and feed his children only highest quality vodka. (The preceding paragraph was sponsored by Russian foreign intelligence)

Attention world:
Mikhail Prokhorov wants to buy a state next, name it New Russia,  and start building giant transformers. Atlantic Rim.

Monta Ellis fired his agent, then Mark Cuban comes and bails his shot-chucking ass out and pays him 30 million for 3 seasons to be an older, louder and largely identical replacement for  OJ Mayo. WHAT THE HELL WAS THE POINT!? IF you’re going to keep an overpaid shot chucker on your roster you might as well take the younger guy and pray that he finds religion and changes his ways by the end of the contract. Never mind the fact that Cuban already tried to break the bank to sign Andrew ” who gives  a shit about basketball, I’m rich”  Bynum and let him toil in the middle while Dirk sits at the high post and thinks of ways to finagle a trade out of Texas that doesn’t make him look like a total prick.  But how could you hate this guy?

Apparently, the Pistons are discussing a sign and trade for Brandon Jennings….Who can they possibly offer?

They have no asset that doesn’t clog that Milwaukee front court even worse. The Bucks have absolutely zero need for a big in that gridlocked frontcourt of lankiness. I thought they wanted to improve their outside shooting,  you know, like that time they traded youth for JJ Redick only to drop him for nothing in free agency. I wish I could be in Joe Dumars’ head for like 20 minutes, I don’t think I’d understand much, but I also doubt I’d care. It’d be like watching Yellow Submarine.  The proposed gameplan for the Pistons is to add Rajon Rondo and Rudy Gay to their current roster. This would make their new, improved starting five look like this:
PG: Rondo

SG: Brandon Knight

SF: Rudy Gay

PF:Josh Smith

C: Greg Monroe or Andre Drummond

This, of course, would lead to one of the all time worst perimeter shooting teams in NBA history. You think the Spurs guarding Lebron in the finals was bad? Wait till you see teams stand all five of their men just outside the key and dare Josh Smith, Rudy Gay, and Rondo to hoist up 3’s and long two’s to their hearts content and shoot somewhere in the neighborhood of 38%.  I’m sure the dunks would be spectacular on the fast break but the half court offense would be like playing against a high school team from New York. All dunks and handles, but not a single person who can make a jump shot to save their lives. Damnit Dumars, stop drinking the Kool Aid!

Toronto Raptors fans, I’m telling you right now: YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE TYLER HANSBROUGH! The city is going to fall in love with him, he’s going to be the most beloved Raptor since Morris Peterson. In reality  his per 36 minutes stats last year for Indiana put him at 15pts and 10 rebounds a game, and his 4.4 win shares in 2012/2013 are very impressive for a player of his type and minutes. In Toronto Raptors fans world he’s a part of a more important reality. He’s going to smash, claw and maul his way into your hearts and he’s going to do it silently. Prepare yourself for:

The Hansbro’s”

The Toronto Hansbrough super-fans,  they show up to games wearing Psycho T jersey’s aviators and cargo shorts. After the games they go home, smash PBR and funnel jack and cokes and then draw dicks all over the first guy to pass out. #hansbro’s. They’re going to put the Rambis Youth to shame. It’s going to be a thing, count on it!

Hey world: Al Farouq Aminu is so bad at basketball that he was the second option on team Nigeria… So..yea…. In other news I’m trying out for team Nigeria. All I need to do is send money and my bank account number to the team owner/deposed king of the country and he’ll get me out on the first flight to OLYMPIC GLORY!
The Knicks:
What. The. Fuck.  Is it just me or does there seem to be a distinct lack of logic to the moves of Glen Grunwald and his brass this offseason? First he bails Toronto out of Andrea Bargnani and the ungodly 23 mill he’s owed over the next two season. Re-sign JR Smith to a 4 year deal knowing that he needed major knee surgery that will keep him out for the next 3-4 months.  Oh, did I mentioning adding Ron Artest – I refuse to call him Metta World Peace, because god knows the only thing Ron Ron needs is a place where he can get more media attention than he did in LA. So when the Knicks inevitably send out their second unit of Prigioni, JR Smith, Ron Ron, Bargnani, and Amare,  does the ball just magically split into 5th’s so everyone can jack up a million ill-advised bricks at once? Or does Prigioni take requests before the shift and make them take predetermined turns from a little scrap of paper he leaves on the inside of his sock?
Shabazz Muhammad:  I understand that you can’t count your own age, but please stop saying stupid things like this: “Nobody wears zero in the league, so I might as well wear zero,” he explained.
Well that’s a fair statement if you don’t consider guys like Westbrook, Damian Lillard, Avery Bradley,  Andray Blatche,  Jeff Teague, Shawn Marion, Michael Beasley… you know, just to name a few. Clown comment bro
Good to see Anthony Bennett selected number 1 overall, absolutely the best player right now in that draft class.
Lakers Fans, quit your goddamn bitching.  Every franchise in the league other than you guys and the Spurs has had to be horrible for some period of time since 1998. Difference is the Spurs do it with the best coaching and scouting in the biz. You guys do it with deep fucking pockets and the fact that your city has the most cocaine and fake tits per capita in the country, not to mention it’s the most storied NBA franchise not located in buttfuck New England. Don’t worry, in the meantime the ugly duckling of the Buss family has returned to you Jordan Farmar, brought you Nick Young ( who will be hilarious to watch try and coexist with a returning Kobe Bryant), and Chris Kaman. Be happy and be able to laugh at your own personnel. You will suck this year, let it go, it’s not that bad, it’s not your fault. Inevitably, you’ll somehow fall into a free agent or a trade that makes no sense that will gift wrap another championship or deep playoff run.  Don’t panic Lakers fan, you will be at the top of the mountain soon enough. In the meantime. #TankforWiggins andrew_wiggins_small
PS: Lakers fans, I have good news!! Lakers VP Jim Buss believes Kobe Bryant will be ready for the preseason… to be fair he also thought Dwight Howard would stay, and Steve Nash was a great signing, and D’Antoni was a better coaching idea than Phil Jackson…..so ya.. you’re still fucked
Well that’s all for now, I’ve finished my drinks and I have nothing else on the forefront of my mind but when I get more alcohol I’ll be back! Let me leave you with this gem from Kenneth Faried
Ps. Baron Davis was abducted by aliens and now he’s smarter… I’m not joking.. here
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