Profiling Select NBA Free Agency Strategies

Free agency has been complete and utter madness so far. The first two days were chaos, as teams furiously signed players and held meetings and publicly appealed to players to stay/leave/re-sign/move. In the end, much of the major action has already happened: Cleveland have committed enough money to FAs to pay off Greece’s debt; Lob City has been sacked and pillaged by Mark Cuban and Chandler Parsons; the Dallas Mavericks have quietly built an excellent team; the Sacramento Kings have loudly imploded, and the San Antonio Spurs have responded to only having the third best roster in the NBA by buying the basketball equivalent of the Death Star in free agency. Out of the chaos, some trends have emerged that we’ve done our best to chronicle below.

Atlanta Hawks: Resign Paul Millsap, unplug phones and turn off lights before Josh Smith can call you about coming back.

Boston Celtics: Make disparaging comments about other franchises and mutter something about 11 rings in the 60’s

Brooklyn Nets : Ask prospective player for the largest number they’ve ever heard of; offer them triple that over six years.

Chicago Bulls: Throw money at Butler, aggressively pursue Thibideau’s least favourite free agents.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Get LeBron to hold pool parties and bowling nights; be ready to pay infinity billion dollars in luxury tax.

Detroit Pistons: Commit maximum money towards a mediocre player at a flooded position, wonder why no one loves you.

Dallas Mavericks: Give Chandler Parsons a plane ticket and a bottomless credit card; wait a week.

Golden State Warriors: Continue to get away with only paying Steph Curry $11 million/year.

Houston Rockets: Whatever the advanced stats say they should do.

Indiana Pacers: Do surprisingly well at signing free agents, rip off the Lakers.

LA Clippers: Re-sign entire 2010 Boston Celtics team pray that some are over 6’8

LA Lakers :

1. Pray that Kobe doesn’t say anything stupid in the player meetings,

2. Sign all the high volume chuckers money can buy.

3.Profit?

Memphis Grizzlies: Sign multitalented, spot-shooting members of Marc Gasol’s mercenary company when they return from pillaging the Riverlands. Do they have any big men? Add all of them, analytics are for children.

Miami Heat: Let the Godfather work, and wait patiently.

Milwaukee Bucks: While songs and storybooks are being written about Sam Hinkie’s immeasurable “process” quietly continue building a strong franchise.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Cackle as evilly as possible as you watch Andrew Wiggins and Karl Anthony Towns do their summer training.

New York Knicks: Throw money at people like you’re JR Smith on a postseason bender, mention three-sided shapes a bunch.

Oklahoma City Thunder: Literally whatever Kevin Durant wants, try and convince Enes Kanter to take his extension money in protein powder.

Orlando Magic: Quietly cackle in anticipation at the arrival of Mario “Devourer of Worlds” Hezonja, pray to basketball gods that Skiles actually gives him meaningful playing time.

Philadelphia 76ers (public position): Sam “The Process” Hinkie does not need free agents and is insulted by the suggestion that his team would ever commit such heresy.

Philadelphia 76ers (private position): Sign, trade for more draft picks. The addiction must be satisfied. Take deep breathe, massacre Sacramento on the trade market

Phoenix Suns: Print large banners of every available FA in a PHO uniform; post them around the city. sign none of them.

Portland Trail Blazers: Give Damian Lillard an infinity billion-dollar extension; cry when everyone else leaves

Sacramento Kings: We have yet to discern anything even remotely resembling a strategy coming from Sacramento. We’ll get back to you on that.

San Antonio Spurs (re-signing team FAs): hand over geographic coordinates to the Fountain of Youth, then re-sign players for half their market value.

San Antonio Spurs (new FAs): [Scene: Spurs Meeting Room] LaMarcus Aldridge sits down at the table with Gregg Popovich and Tim Duncan; there is a slumped and zipcuffed figure in the corner with a bag on their head. Popovich silently motions to Duncan, who lifts the bag to reveal a broken, bloodied, and weeping Father Time. Popovich glances at the shell of a cosmic figure, then to Aldridge, and simply says “we always win.”

Toronto Raptors: let all power forwards contracts expire, sign wings and backup point guards. Furiously shout “We the North!” on Twitter at anyone who questions this.

Washington Wizards: Grumble a lot about how you didn’t actually like Paul Pierce all that much anyways

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